(Matt) How are the shields?
(Andrew) The shields have been disabled sir.
(Matt) What happened to the sub woofer?
(Joel) The sub woofer has been disabled sir.

(Andrew) I don't have time to read because all my time is spent not reading.

(Scott) Is there anything to drink besides alcohol?
(Joel) Maybe, I think there's water.

(Matt) The penislith will be so tall, the clouds themselves will be the spooge.

(Craig) I'm going to play the hip new indy games I got during the Steam sale.
(Joel) I'm going to play Dwarf Fortress and never be heard from again.

(Joel) If I survive this I'll have a chance to retreat to safety.
(Matt) What, toward the safety of my machine guns?

(Andy) Andrew just turned my Leman Russ into an immobilized heavy bolter facing the wrong direction.

(Magda) What are you eating?
(Joel) Your cookies.
(Magda) Those aren't my cookies.
(Joel) Oh? Well... I'm just going to keep eating them.
(Andrew) I need the rest of those!
(Joel) The rest of the cookies? You glutton!
(Erin) He needs the rest of the cards, and those cookies are mine.

(Andrew) I can make you a deck of all fireballs.
(Matt) Produce it right now, from your person!
(Andrew) {Prrrrrrrraaaapppp}
(Matt) This is the worst Christmas ever.

(Joel) What is the Doctor holding?
(Andrew) It's a gimmicky gadget.
(Joel) Like everything you own.

(Joel) I suck at this game of random chance.

(Amy) Jim's not coming.
(Magda) Maybe we should have given him something?
(Joel) I told him I'd give him a hand job.
(Craig) And that's why he isn't here.

(Craig) That's a dogsled? That looks like you drew two... guys...
(Andrew) I lost because I shouldn't have drawn that dogsled.
(Joel) Oh, you won. You just won a different game.
(Andrew) I don't want to win that game.

(Andrew) Wait, Magda wants the phone... nevermind, she wants money.

(Cory) Remember last 4th of July when I did fire creamer? Next year I'm doing fire poi.
(Joel) Do even know how to do regular poi?
(Cory) You probably won't be dissapointed.
(Matt) Are you sure we're going to be dissapointed or grieving?

(Craig) Oh, that's a counter spell.
(Andrew) That is not a counter spell!
(Craig) It says right here "counter target spell."

(Erin) I fed the baby snails.
(Joel) What do they eat?
(Erin) I don't know.
(Joel) Then how do you know you fed them?
(Erin) I gave them a wafer, and they're not dead yet.

(Joel) It smells like lobsters in here.

(Joel) See? Beans! I told you we'd see beans.
(Erin) You never said we'd see beans.

(Cory) Take any restaurant, you can replace the theme with anything else and it's no different. What makes Outback Steakhouse Australian food? It could just as easily be Pirate themed.
(Craig) What would you call the Bloomin' Onion?
(Joel) How about the Doubloomin' Onion.
(Cory) I think... that gave me cancer.

(Andrew) I never went back the same way, but I always found a way to go slightly the wrong direction.
(Magda) Why do I feel like you're reciting a country song?

(Matt) We're all redditors here so this isn't even a conversation.

(Amy) Matt, how much pie is left?
(Matt) This pie has 50% left, and this one has 75% left, according to these pie graphs.

(Joel) Don't put the turkey away.
(Matt) Amy said so.
(Joel) I was going to pick at that.
(Matt) I was too, but Amy won't have it.

(Matt) You should light Andy's hair on fire.
(Cory) Then he would have hair like yours, Matt.

(Joel) I wanted to.
(Cory) I wanted you to too.
(Joel) Hehe, you said "to" two times.
(Cory) Hehe, you said "to" two times too!
(Joel) Now you said "to" three times!
(Cory) And now it's over.

(Cory) So the bartender says to the guy, I bet you can't lick your own elbow.
(Erin) I can lick my own elbow... Oh, no I can't.
(Andy) See, this is how communism started. Someone said, "then let us lick each other's elbows."

(Matt) Everyone raise your hand if you've had a good Spanksgiving.
(Andy) Yes, everyone raise your chubby, sausage-like fingers.

(Joel) What's the "Iron Gate?" Is it as cool as it sounds?
(Erin) It's... covered parking.

(Matt) Asking Joel to buy me PaK 38's for Christmas is like having dad ask you to go out to the barn to get his whippin' switch.

(Matt) So, what have you guys been doing up here?
(Joel) We were fighting some guys and they didn't want to get fought so we killed them.

(Jim) Andrew is going to charge that guy.
(Matt) Charge him for all the purchases!

(Jim) The bandit looks angrily at you.
(Andrew) I bet he would! I'm going to keep eyeing him... like, that bastard.

(Matt) I'm going to start stabbing like my life depends on it which it does.

(Matt) Now I'm the second-most moist gnome in the party.

(Jim) You're all familiar with each other.
(Joel) How familiar?
(Matt) There were heavy undertones to that question.

(Matt) Andrew, you're cutting straight towards yourself.
(Andy) He's doing fine!
(Matt) He's going to cut himself open and bleed.
(Andy) He's got plenty of blood!

(Jim) I haven't been able to go to the bathroom for the last half hour because Andrew has been in it.
(Andy) Hey guys. Man, someone just committed a crime in the bathroom!

(Andrew) I provide fun to my enemies.

(Andy) Look on the bright side, it gives you you're percent daily value of... partially hydrogenated soybean oil.

(Joel) Andrew, are you ready? Everyone is waiting for you.
(Andrew) Oh my gosh! I haven't done anything!

(Joel) How do I play this game?
(Andy) You're a bear, you just do bear things.
(Joel) So this hatchback I'm driving?
(Andy) Just do bear things, eat berries and fish.
(Joel) In a hatchback?
(Andy) Yeah.
(Joel) And these other bears also tearing ass around the forest in cars?
(AndY) Yeah, they're bears.

(Andy) I rolled a... zero.
(Cory) So, what?
(Andy) Ok, so you roll three dice, totally unmodified, and if any of those dice are above zero, you win.

(Cory) You can just have my dog, he's a Great Dane.
(Craig) Yeah, well I like Great Danes.
(Joel) But he's blind!
(Cory) No, deaf.
(Joel) And also incontinent!
(Cory) Only when he's having a seizure.
(Craig) Nevermind.

(Matt) Bowie! Get your Bowie out of my Bowie.

(Matt) We need more actual potluck food so we don't all die of starvation during Doomed Legion Thanksppgiving.
(Amy) Did you just call it spanksgiving?
(Matt) Yes! It will be called Doomed Legion Spanksgiving!

(Joel) Gold ore! I can just smelt it.

(Andy) Aaaagh! It's all clogged with pills!

(Andrew) You should bring the TARDIS to your wedding.
(Matt) Why?
(Andrew) Because it's something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.

(Andrew) I spent a few hours coming up with how I was going to do this while I was thinking about it.

(Joel) Alright, I'm going to the can.
(Magda) With my phone?
(Joel) I need something to read while I'm in there.
(Magda) Then bring my book.
(Joel) But the phone screen can just be wiped off. You can't wash paper.
(Magda) That's disturbing.

(Erin) This display was also built by a child. Are those people sleeping? No, maybe they were killed in the car crash.
(Cory) Wow, that child is really dark.
(Joel) Cory! Stop being racist!

(Tim) Where are you?
(Andrew) Nowhere.
(Tim) You're at your place?

(Andrew) Hello, I would like ten thousand napkins please!
(Clerk) Ten thousand?
(Andrew) Well, twenty will do... ten if they're big.

(Erin) Where did you get candy?
(Joel) Magda gave me the option to either be given experience points or candy. I made my choice, and I still stick by it.

(Magda) Who are you?
(Andrew) You may call me Detseyov.
(Madga) Do I have to?

(Craig) I walk up and attempt to taste the hot pocket Golem.

(Andrew) Are you Gendru the sorcerer?
(Andy) What is that?
(Andrew) It's a name.
(Andy) What's a name?
(Andrew) Then you are not Gendru the sorcerer.

(Magda) Did ya feel that?
(Joel) Did Andrew fart?
(Magda) There was an earthquake. I haven't heard from him today, maybe he wanted to communicate seismically.

(Andrew) I have to go because I need to either continue sleeping or go to work.

(Andrew) I need someone to drive me home.
(Cory) You should butter up Matt... and I mean that literally.
(Matt) If Andrew TOUCHES me with butter!

(Joel) How is Andrew here?
(Andrew) Magda convinced me to come and gave me a ride. She even said she would drive me home.
(Magda) I did not!

(Joel) Bidoof! Really? Is that a real Pokemon!?... Oh, it is... It looks like a hairy... beaver. Oh dear.

(Joel) Hehe, so are you really drinking like in this image?
(Nina) I'm at work.
(Joel) Ok... So, are you?

(Joel) Do I play Far Cry? No. A more affirmative question would have been "do you play Dwarf Fortress?" However, nobody really plays Dwarf Fortress. It's more like a personal transformation. A better expression of the question would be "have you accepted Dwarf Fortress into your life?"

(Amy) Do you like it?
(Matt) I intend to.

(Magda) It focuses on people, which is a girly kind of thing.
(Joel) Instead of on penises, which is a manly kind of thing.

(Andrew) {Farts}
(Tim) Dude, that sounded nasty!
(Andrew) It was.
(Tim) It sounded like you sh!t yourself.
(Andrew) I may have...

(Andrew) I'm gonna have to use the bathroom when we get inside.
(Tim) No sh!t?
(Andrew) No, lots of sh!t.

(Joel) Let me help you put this in perspective. 700 billion, that's almost one trillion, and that's like... a huge number.

(Joel) A rotary grater! Imagine all the things we could grate!
(Erin) Wow, that would be great.
(Joel) Heh, I see what you did there.

(Joel) Andrew, it would appear our journey both began and ended here at the Jack in the Box on Winton.

(Matt) Oh my god Andrew, either you leave with that in your hand, or you're never leaving this house at all... oh wait, that's not a good idea.

(Joel) There's going to be like ten thousand bivouacs!... I don't think that's ever been said before.

(Andy) What's "Freespace?"
(Craig) The best space combat simulator of all time.
(Jim) I'm sorry, you mispronounced "X-wing versus Tie Fighter."

(Joel) This game is biased against people who don't know how to play.

(Andrew) If you talk to Craig tell him to ignore the messages I left him.
(Joel) If I know Craig, he has.

(Andy) Angelina messaged me.
(Joel) Oh? What did she say?
(Andy) "You suck."

(Cory) It takes one megasecond.
(Matt) What?
(Cory) Oh, haha. Milisecond. A megasecond is 11 days.

(Matt) The state of the toilet bowl is shameful! Someone should be put to death!

(Craig) Ohhhh! I'm going to Robert Yates this sh!t!

(Andy) Joel, with nothing more than a single twist, I could make you owe the hotel five dollars.
(Joel) And the towels you soiled already won't?

(Matt) Did you know I slept in the bathroom? I feel a combination of both shame and grit.

(Andrew) Man, there's not enough magical places.
(Andy) That's generally true.
(Matt) When I'm looking for a magical place I find it in the smile of a child.

(Andrew) Remember last night when you said "what are the odds someone died in this room?"
(Joel) No.
(Andrew) One in one.
(Joel) Are you... going to kill us?
(Matt) Murder! Murder!

(Andrew) Matt, I need you to know that despite that I had no way to relate to what you were talking about, I was riveted!

(Joel) If Andrew ever dies, I'm going to kill myself, because there will be nothing left to live for.

(Cory) I want a room that I'm allowed to stay in.
(Joel) You're staying in a room right now.
(Cory) I want a room where no one finds it awkward that I'm in it.
(Joel) Then why the hell are you in my bed!?

(Matt) What the hell? You have to have a raft to win a raft race!

(Joel) Oh dear. What exactly is in this sandwich?
(Andrew) It's meat surrounding a chick... en.

(Andrew) There was a guy called the prince of peace... hmmm... who was it?
(Joel) Jesus?
(Andrew) No... John Lennon!

(Andrew) I only drink Pepsi and Coke.
(Craig) Why is that?
(Andrew) Because I'm a loser.

(Joel) Craig, you should take those cookies off the air conditioner while we're gone or they might get too cold and freeze the building down.

(Andrew) Cory called, he wants me to give you a raspberry.
(Andy) What is a raspberry?
(Andrew) A bilabial fricative.

(Joel) Seriously Andrew, what is a raspberry?
(Andrew) George Carlin would know that's what is was called.
(Joel) Of course George Carlin would know what it was called, and that you would know that he would know what it was called.

(Andy) Is it legal for you to park there?
(Cory) I parked on Freedom Street! Freedom!

(Joel) What is that?
(Cory) That was going to be a spoon, but it isn't yet, so it's a stick.

(Joel) This is like gold farming in World of Warcraft, except that unlike World of Warcraft I'm farming American dollars... and this is real life.

(Cory) A space suit is kind of like a tiara. There's like three contexts that make sense, and any other time you just seem insane.

(Andrew) I like my meals to be four bites and four minutes apart.

(Andrew) I think eighth edition is the worst game ever.
(Joel) You know, you can always just make regular units. You don't have to exploit the hoard rule.
(Andrew) Actually, eighth edition is pretty cool.
(Andy) Wow, that's quite a dramatic change of opinion there.

(Andy) I decided instead to lie. I would have had to explain it, but lying saved me a very very small amount of inconvenience.

(Matt) The final tally for where we're eating is two for burgers, two for Mongolian, and two for things that are not an option.
(Matt) Ok, let's try again. Now we have Mongolian, Mongolian, burgers, burgers, ...and Ralph Nader.
(Andy) Jim, you're breaking the tie right now... or maybe you're creating it.

(Andrew) It's in my backpack, it's next to the sword.
(Joel) Did he just say he has a sword in his backpack?

(Joel) I can say with absolute positive certainty that I don't have a single digital photograph of my life prior to 2002... which makes perfect sense.

(Joel) The engine's gone and I've got no power!
(Craig) Is that bad?
(Joel) Get ready for the ride of your life!

(Matt) Is there anyone here who has any money?
(Andy) I've got piles of money.
(Joel) Real money?
(Andy) Oh, no, I've got no real money. None whatsoever.

(Matt) Like a shadow government game. Have you played Illuminati?
(Craig) Is it like that?
(Matt) I don't know, I've never played it.

(Joel) All I know is you wanted to father illegitimate children.
(Matt) Not illegitimate, they just don't have to be legitimate.

(Joel) Who wants hot dinner rolls!?
(Everyone) Me!
(Joel) We don't have them!
(Andy) When it comes to dissapointment, you never dissapoint.

(Joel) ♫This knife is made for stabbin', and that's just what it'll do.♪ ♫One of these days this knife is gonna stab all up in you.♪
(Erin) Wow, don't stab me.

(Andy) Where are the beets Joel, did you mash them?
(Joel) The beats... Oh! ...You're talking about food!

(Andy) What are these, rope reeds?
(Joel) Those don't exist, these are regular reeds.
(Andy) Don't they? When did you last trade for a bag of "regular reed seeds?"

(Matt) Wow, this camping trip is going extremely well.
(Andy) Nobody stabbed themselves in the foot.
(Joel) Nothing caught fire.
(Amy) No bears!
(Matt) ...This is so boring! I miss Andrew!

(Andy) You should try putting your feet in the sand. It's hella exfoliating.
(Joel) Hella exfoliating?

(Andy) Did you just apologize for not racially stereotyping that person?

(Joel) This bread tastes like ash.
(Andy) It could be worse, it could taste like ass.

(Matt) I should be Groucho Marx for something... what's a thing to be dressed up for?
(Joel) ...Halloween?
(Matt) Yeah... no, I have to be Jareth for Halloween. Pick something else.

(Craig) I'm not going to miss Andrew, but I am going to miss his money.

(Matt) Chaos has just erupted... after an encounter with a small animal.

(Erin) I don't want to have stinky garlic breath.
(Matt) I do. Hand it over!

(Erin) In my experience open houses are free and involve cookies.

(Joel) How do you know they became hipsters?
(Matt) They all had 10 speeds and were doing trendy things.

(Joel) Well, there she is.
(Craig) I thought it was a male, it's named Jorge.
(Joel) Vehicles are traditionally female.
(Craig) To be fair, it does seem weird climbing into a man.

(Amy) Ok, trade monopoly on paper!
(Everyone) Arrrgh!
(Amy) {Phone} Hello?... Ok... Oh, I got to go, I'm with friends.
(Joel) Yeah, she's got to get back to screwing us in the butt!
(Amy) {Click} That was my dad.

(Jim) That idea gave me wood... and also brick.

(Joel) Oh! I feel compelled to trade my hard earned money for garbage! ...Oh no! I'm Andrew!

(Joel) The Chinese guy is here.
(Matt) What Chinese guy? We didn't invite a Chinese guy.
(Amy) No, the delivery.

(Amy) It's clover honey.
(Joel) I cloved your mom's honey last night!
(Craig) ...That ...means nothing to me.

(Matt) So wait, you're telling me more space on your hard drive is taken up by Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles than by Windows?
(Andrew) Well... yeah.

(Craig) This can only be described as an elderant stench.

(Matt) Is "totally not a bot," a bot?
(Craig) Yes.

(Matt) Healers healing healers?! It's bedlam!

(Craig) A bot is dominating me!

(Erin) What do you call someone who doesn't like someone different?
(Craig) Xenophobe?
(Erin) Well, he didn't like me because I was a girl.
(Craig) Sexist?
(Erin) Well, actually he didn't like anyone who wasn't him.

(Erin) Guess what I dreamed about?
(Joel) Bone guns and video games?
(Erin) No, alternate worlds.
(Joel) What? Where Andrew has a full time job and Cory lives in a house he owns?
(Erin) No, I dreamt of alternate worlds I like.

(Cory) And when you wake up in the morning you get naked chicks out the window!
(Andrew) That's why the window will stay closed.
(Joel) Why would you want to do that?
(Andrew) Because I'm a prude.

(Joel) Just use that phone line.
(Cory) That's not a phone line, that has three twisted pairs instead of two.
(Joel) I twisted your mom's pairs last night!
(Erin) Gross.

(Craig) There's Futurama on somewhere... I can sense it.

(Cory) Remember when Pepsi came out with retro flavors?
(Matt) No.
(Cory) When I tried the 1980s flavor I almost broke into tears remembering a time when I had no problems and parents that liked me.

(Cory) Why is Andrew moving out?
(Erin) Because Andrew is lame and doesn't pay rent.
(Andrew) Hey that's not true! ...Well, it is.

(Cory) Good news everyone! Your scale is eight pounds up!
(Amy) How do you know?
(Cory) I wieghed myself at the vet!

(Cory) Why does nobody trust my car?
(Joel) Because the back end is totaled.
(Cory) But the front end is solid!

(Matt) What happened to Magda?
(Joel) I think she went home. Omi wants her to get back to Hyrule Castle by sundown before they bring up the drawbridge and Magda is outside battling skeletons all night.

(Joel) We're not playing because Craig is a sorry susan.
(Craig) Look, you guys can play if you want.
(Joel) While you sit in the corner and read?
(Craig) I wouldn't read!... I'd play Angry Birds.

(Andrew) Tankettes are great. They wreck face against infantry.

(Magda) Is someone sitting here?
(Craig) No, Andrew's crap is here.

(Joel) I wish you were'nt so...
(Jenny) ...so what?
(Joel) So... sober.
(Jenny) You've never seen me sober.
(Joel) Considering I just met you, that means you're drunk right now.
(Jenny) Actually this isn't the first time we've met... but the first time you were drunk.

(Andrew) You encounter a... {Roll} Gorilla! Chasing a... {Roll} ...{Sigh} Dire Ape.

(Joel) Andrew, if you perpetually pull around behind you a rolly bag full of casserole, you will solidify yourself as the most insane person I know.

(Matt) That was really loud. If anyone hasn't noticed that we're here, they do now!

(Joel) My armpits are like drinking fountains.

(Matt) There is no winner in this hippie game.
(Joel) {Sigh} I don't want to play.

(Jay) Slide those pieces over here.
(Andrew) That's something I'm actually good at.
(Joel) Sliding?
(Andrew) No, games.

(Erin) I'm totally wearing a kilt tomorrow.
(Joel) I don't think they're called kilts when they're on women.

(Joel) It's four in the morning! We gamed literally forever, and now we're done.

(Andrew) That's about as weird as Super Noah's Ark 3D.
(Joel) Super Noah's Ark 3D?
(Andrew) It's a ripoff of Wolfenstein 3D.
(Joel) So, it's a shooting game?
(Andrew) Yes, you shoot slingshots at goats.
(Joel) That can't be exciting, or normal.

(Andrew) I don't have a problem with Planeswalkers, I have a problem with how broken they are.

(Andrew) It's one of those dogs where you can't tell where it is because of all the hair.

(Joel) What would you do if I just cut you open right now.
(Andrew) I would probably scream.
(Joel) Would you really?
(Andrew) {Sigh} Actually, probably not.

(Erin) I only have so many swords.
(Joel) Yeah, most people can say that about themselves.

(Erin) I lost my rulebook.
(Joel) Good thing you're not running a tournament.
(Erin) Well, if I was running a tournament I would care.

(Matt) Cory is fixed, it is his greatest gift.

(Matt) I'm not drunk!
(Cory) Let's get Matt another drink, something girly and high in alcohol.
(Matt) I was just reassuring Amy, I wasn't complaining.

(Joel) Everyone has to listen to me!
(Matt) Let's listen to Joel mumble to himself like a homeless person about mangos.

(Matt) Oh! It's so cute! I want to wear it as a hat!

(Craig) There's nothing wrong with going to a bar in the middle of the day.

(Matt) I wonder if all these ducks have diabetes.

(Joel) Why are you scrolling from bottom to top? The URL bar is statically placed.

(Matt) How are you not ticklish in your armpit? Everybody is ticklish in the armpit.
(Amy) That's not my armpit.
(Matt) Oh... What... What is that?

(Cory) The tuba is still tubing.

(Andy) Check it out Matt, I got a sandals tan that doesn't match my sandals.
(Joel) Wow, that is the dorkiest thing ever.

(Matt) The thing is, throughout history when people predicted the rapture, most of the time they have been wrong.
(Joel) Most of the time?

(Erin) I have good news and bad news.
(Joel) What's the bad news?
(Erin) They are the same news.

(Matt) I'll have you know that I have three good friends.
(Andy) Wow, three whole good friends.
(Erin) Yeah, even I have at least five good friends right here!

(Erin) That's what you would look like if you were the Jelly Belly man!
(Joel) Obese?

(Matt) Are you sure we are talking about the same guy?
(Joel) Creebly McBackrub?
(Cory) Magda says he's creepy.
(Matt) Oh, that's the guy!

(Cory) Don't you hate people that can't read numbers to you?
(Joel) Why? What did she say?
(Cory) She said: Three... zeros. Seven... teen. Six... ty.

(Cory) Foon.
(Magda) Can you use that in a sentence?
(Cory) A foon is what is leftover from spork manufacturing.
(Joel) Whoah, that pun was rainman level clever.

(Andy) Naaaagggh!
(Magda) What? I'm not going to hit you.
(Andy) A lot of women in my life do.

(Andy) Japan voted ramen noodles the most significant invention of the 20th Century.
(Cory) It was going to be nuclear power.

(Andrew) Wait a minute, I have... sh!t. Yeah, that's about what I have.

(Joel) So Andrew, which doctor are you?
(Andrew) I would be the fourth doctor.
(Joel) I love that you gave me a straight answer without even needing context.

(Matt) Andrew, you cannot tell me that you are not the doctor.
(Andrew) I don't have a sonic screwdriver!

(Matt) FDR himself has landed in Moscow in his personal fighter plane to give Stalin a fist bump.
(Craig) How would FDR get out of a fighter plane, you know, with the whole wheelchair?
(Cory) Maybe they can use a crane like how they lowered R2D2 into Luke's X-wing in Star Wars.
(Matt) FDR2D2!

(Matt) Oh wow, the smell of B.O. makes me nostalgic for my high school D&D days.

(Cory) You're dexterous, and I'm fat, so how about you pull, and I'll push.

(Joel) Yeah, they are different in the same way that blue and indigo are different colors. Yes, undeniably different, but red is like, wow... so much less wavelength!

(Cory) What else rhymes with Wiest?
(Joel) Neiced.
(Erin) What?
(Joel) My uncle was born and then I was neiced.

(Matt) I'm going to run straight over there and kill "The Black Man." ...Oh man, I shouldn't say that so loud or our neighbors will hear... they are black.

(Joel) Wow, she is a tall glass of water... or maybe those people around her are just children.

(Joel) I'm going to go see if I can whack this off, you'll want to write down that part number.
(Cory) Can I write down this quote?

(Erin) You know what my grandparents did?
(Joel) Went back in time and high-fived Teddy Roosevelt?

(Craig, Andy, Andrew, Cory & Joel) ♫We were sailing alonnng, on moonlight bay-ay-ay-ay-ay♪
(Matt) You guys are so awful you're like a bunch of zombies who were tone deaf in life.

(Nina) If you get bored you can borrow all tomorrow's parties from my parents.

(Joel) I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think tax evasion might be the only answer.

(Matt) Who wants to see a picture of Winston Churchill's balls?
(Joel) Why is it saved on your hard drive?

(Joel) So, you claim a prostitute bought you lunch, and that makes you technically a pimp?

(Craig) No, I've never been skinny dipping.
(Matt) I don't think Craig has done anything he needs to hide.
(Andy) Yeah, I'm reasonably sure that Craig has never been naked.

(Cory) Every time I have my phone next to yours I get insecure. I have screenis envy.

(Joel) This stick is a problem.
(Cory) It's actually a solution!

(Matt) I'm going to play Dwarf Fortress and drink until I'm playing Dwarf Fortress drunk.

(Amy) I'm going out to buy some things.
(Joel) Ok, we'll just be here destroying your property.

(Andrew) For some reason I decided it'd be an idea to try to install Ubutntu with the discs I have. Now I'm checking my email on the Wii if that tells you how well it worked out.

(Erin) I think my cousin and this guy are going out.
(Joel) How do you know?
(Erin) She said "hey baby."
(Joel) So? Maybe she's like one of those people that calls everyone baby.
(Erin) Then I saw them kiss.
(Joel) So? Maybe she's like one of those people that gives everyone kisses.
(Erin) Then she told me.

(Matt) Congratulations! Apparently they have been hoarding cash in the abyss!

(Joel) I'm going to shut the sh!t down when I come out the other end.
(Craig) That sounds really dirty for some reason.

(Cory) Oh man, that dog is never going to move! I want to get to the police station! Hmm... {gasp} I can get there by being arrested!

(Craig) You probably should'nt stay around here too much more because you will fail your will check.
(Cory) Yes I will.

(Cory) I had a girl that was into big noses. She wanted to do provactive things with mine.
(Andrew) Ummm... well, I...
(Matt) I think that Andrew has a very scary and uncomfortable story to relate to this.

(Matt) My character needs to be Hungarian. Not bullsh!t fantasy other-world Hungarian, actually Hungarian.
(Craig) Uh, Ok... why is that important?

(Cory) It's like the Mormon promotion system.
(Joel) That was sure non-sequitur.
(Cory) Actually it wasn't. It's like the Mormon metaphysics where first Jesus was a guy, then he was a god, then he was a dragon.
(Joel) What are you talking about?
(Cory) I'm a scientist!

(Matt) The word of the day is: confute.
(Cory) I don't believe that.
(Matt) Let me confute your disbelief.
(Cory) Ahh! I'm overwhelmed by your argument!

(Magda) Andrew is easily swayed by the things he hears.
(Cory) Joel, do you know how easily you could turn Andrew into a Republican?

(Cory) So what class are you taking now?
(Joel) Remote sensing.
(Cory) Cool! So can you, like, see what's in my sock drawer right now?
(Joel) No, that's remote viewing.

(Cory) That poster implies that Warhammer died. (Andrew) After eighth edition, it kinda did.

(Cory) You don't have to do that right next to me.
(Matt) What was he doing?
(Cory) Farting... and trying really hard.

(Craig) I'm coming out this turn.
(Matt) You're coming out? Aww, I'm so glad to hear that.

(Cory) So about the person you met today, did I ever tell you about Molesty McMolestington?
(Joel) I'm so glad you're about to tell this to me after the fact.

(Cory) I don't get sarcasm.
(Joel) Well I don't use sarcasm that much.
(Cory) That's not true.
(Joel) That was sarcastic.

(Amy) What kind of table is it?
(Matt) A wooden table.
(Amy) But what kind?
(Matt) It's pretty nondescript. If you went into the holodeck on Startrek Enterprise and said "wooden table," it is exactly what you would expect to appear.

(Cory) I see you're reading Lovecraft. Would you like to brush up on my Longfellow?

(Magda) Andrew will be required to wash his hands a lot, wash anything that touches the floor, NOT drop things, fold things without touching the drapes, get her food without spilling anything, and clean up after himself.
(Joel) You just described things that are opposite of how Andrew does them.

(Magda) I have so many vowels.
(Andrew) I have that problem too.
(Magda) Vowels, Andrew, not bowels.
(Cory) Dump.
(Everyone) Uggggh.

(Tim) I see Weird Al.
(Andy) You do not see Weird Al.
(Tim) Oh, it's Nirvana, Sorry.

(Cory) Oh my god, what happened last night?
(Joel) I don't know, but everything tastes like crutons.

(Andy) So we might be part Ukranian.
(Andrew) Did you say you're Uranian?
(Andy) I'm not from Uranus, Andrew.

(Joel) Popcorn, peanuts, and prizes.
(Magda) What is that?
(Joel) That's what Crackerjacks are made of.

(Craig) There's a Twilight Imperium game going on.
(Joel) As it will be for the entire weekend!

(Matt) Will your parents let us loot their lodgings?
(Craig) No, not tonight.
(Matt) Fine, I guess I'll eat tomorrow.

(Cory) Hey Matt, I'm going to wipe this on your shirt without asking.
(Matt) Oh my god, I'm so glad this is happening to me.

(Nina) My dad is a badass who can get off a 16 hour flight and immediately jump into the ocean.

(Cory) I would like someone to pick up Andrew, so I can get all this stuff fast, but it looks like that's not going to happen, so I am sad.

{Silence}
(Magda) It's not a GPS though!
(Cory) I'll take non sequiturs for 600, Alex.

(Cory) I think he has the cheeseburger syndrome.
(Joel) I don't know what that is.
(Cory) Oh come on, what is like the only syndrome you know about?
(Joel) There isn't a cheeseburger anywhere called an asperger.

(Joel) Wait, can you start over? I was thinking about tiny little men.

(Cory) Who is that?
(Andrew) I don't know.
(Cory) Andrew, she wants to slurp you.
(Joel) How does he know that?
(Magda) {Sigh} Because she said "Happy Birthday."

(Craig) Axis and Allies doesn't make a very good drinking game.
(Joel) No! A shot every time you take over 50% casualties.

(Cory) Nothing sounds as bizarre as a mile of tighty-whities.

(Joel) Ask me a why question.
(Andrew) Why have we not played Mahjong?
(Joel) Ask me another why question.
(Andrew) Why?

(Cory) Can you imagine, we're looking at a speck of light that is an entire galaxy of civilizations and we're calling it "Orion's wang."
(Joel) That's fine, how do you think Florida feels?

(Andrew) After I've been farting in my jacket for awhile, then it's nice and warm.

(Joel) It was right then that I realized that alcohol is the cure to all my problems.
(Cory) It's also the cause of a different set of problems.

(Joel) Have you ever referred to Kanji as Japanese runes?

(Cory) Argh! I'm sitting in cake!

(Andrew) Oh man, I really need to do well in my data structures class.
(Craig & Joel) Yes you do!

(Nina) I know two girls who plan to make out at parties so guys will hit on them.
(Andy) When I see two girls making out the idea of hitting on them actually leaves my mind.

(Cory) In my favorite lucid dream, I dreamt I crashed and messed up three cars. So then I sat on the curb and cried "man, this is going to ruin me!" Then I realised it was a dream, so I stopped time! Then I streched out my hand and uncrumpled the van, then I uncrumpled the civic...

(Andrew) How is Andy here but not Matt?
(Cory) They are actually two different people.

(Joel) In the past two weeks I've become a connoisseur of cereal.
(Craig) Which one is your favorite?
(Joel) Hmmm, I forgot the name of it.
(Matt) Did you know that the one you are eating is stale?
(Joel) I don't care.
(Craig) I don't think you understand the meaning of connoisseur.

(Joel) Oh wait, right, I forgot that I don't have to round that. I can do fractions with money.

(Joel) Joel requires paper!
(Craig) You have a quote all of a sudden?
(Joel) No, I need to write down my points, but that might warrant a quote though.

(Joel) Yeah, well you of all people should know Craig, you're used to only getting one of each flavor.
(Craig) What?... I don't understand, is that remark supposed to be a sexual thing?

(Nina) Excuse me, can I get where you are?
(Cory) Yes, you just have to drink a lot and be really lazy.

(Erin) I started a new Facebook game called Island Paradise. You get to produce things on your island and combine them to make other things.
(Joel) Oh like Dwarf Fortress! Except with graphics, and without dwarves, so it sucks.

(Joel) A picture is worth a thousand words.
(Anthony) But a thousand words takes up less memory.

(Andy) You're asking where did he go? Here we are, swimming in the middle of the ocean and the other guy just vanishes. I wonder where he went?

(Andy) The chain of command is breaking down, the captain is now buying prostitutes with the regular seamen... and going in halvsies apparently.

(Andy) Sorry, I was trying to think of an example of a computer game that you pay for, but I was drawing a blank.
(Craig) Because you habitually steal them?

(Andy) I got you an early birthday present Craig, it's called a dozen torpedoes! Hope you don't already have one!

(Joel) Our plans have been drowned in a sea of apathy.

(Joel) Oh my god Craig, a tiny airship is decending! ...And it's dropping free candy!
(Carig) Actually it's dropping coupons for free burritos.
(Joel) This is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me!

(Cory) Joel purpled your hand!

(Joel) I actually think David is quite attractive... is that wrong?
(Cory) No, but it's a little gay.

(Joel) So, you wank with your right hand?
(Andrew) I have to use both hands!
(Joel) That is the best comeback ever.

(Matt) Yeah, he looks very distinguished with that antenna sticking out of his mouth.

(Matt) That's going to be my car... and my coffin.

(Erin) I was somewhere and it totally smelled like silkworms... Oh! It was Andrew's house!

(Matt) Sir, DS-2 is requesting assistance.
(Joel) Tell them to sit and spin.
(Matt) Sir, DS-2 begs for assistance.
(Joel) Tell them to sit and spin!
(Matt) Sir, DS-2 is destroyed.
(Joel) Those brave souls. If only we had acted sooner! Well, notify their next of kin.