Joel: Every time I see Cory, I think to myself, 'if I were gay, I would totally date him'
Cory: I am so flattered right now.

Joel: What is he, like, the drummer?
Cory: Neil Pert isn't the drummer of Rush, he's the drummer of drummers!
Magda: The drummer of...life?

Joel: Ok, who among us doesn't have a disability? You...no, no, Craig, oh, no, you're bad with women. Ok, you, you and you get a bed tonight. Cory, you and me, we're on the floor tonight.

Cory: Holy sh!t you finished that fast!
Joel: There was nothing in this! Give me more!

Cory: Would you like a martini, Joel?
Joel: Uh, sure.
-Cory mixes and hands Joel a glass-
Joel: Ugh! What is this? It tastes like gin and vermouth!
Cory: It's a martini.

Craig: Whoa, there are people who didn't close their blinds.
Joel: Where? Are they naked?
Andy: What?
Joel: Are they hot? Wait, that's all I care about, don't bother me unless they're hot.

Joel: Ok, Matt..
Andy: I'm not Matt!
Joel: No, I'm talking to you ABOUT Matt!

Craig: A transformation IS a changed life.
Andrew: No, it's not!
Joel: Just because you don't know that yet doesn't mean it's not a transformation.
Cory: Ohh, burn.

Magda: Stop saying ridiculous things when I'm taking a sip!
Andrew: I'm constantly talking, YOU'RE drinking while I'M talking!

Cory: What did Andrew say in the bathroom?
Craig: I asked him, 'How you doin?' and he said "crappy"

Matt: Does it smell like a baby's coffin in there?
Craig: I dunno, it smells like a lot of air freshener.

Matt: Yeah, our dad's cousin would walk into a room with his arm held straight up like this and say 'Seen Kyle? Seen Kyle? Anybody seen Kyle? He's about this tall'

Cory: Oh, you pushed the water away because you don't want to pee.
Amy: Yeah, you don't mind peeing
Andrew: No one should mind peeing that much. It releases a lot of wind.

Matt: Magda, you need to put all of the GOOD things I say in the comic, not all these horrible, awful, racist, misogynistic things. Like that crack about the glass ceiling.

Matt: Now you have your own private time with the barrels, what are you gonna do?
Joel: Rape them!
Cory: No, what's inside?

Andy: Wait! Where's my character sheet?
Matt: and the D&D comes to a grinding halt as we look for Andy's character sheet.
Andy: Oh! I found it! It's over here.
Matt: The entire game had to pause because Andy put his character sheet way over there like an idiot.