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The Doomed Legion
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Stories, tales, and legends of Dwarf Fortresses of the Doomed Legion
Dwarf Fortress: Fikodigril “Glazedmeats”
Player: Joel Clark

Attack of the Fire Imp
Early one fine Dwarf Fortress morning in the mountains above the great tower of Glazedmeats, a hunterdwarf was scouting about for a potential kill. He had just reached the top of the volcano and rounded the edge of the cauldron when he was suddenly blindsided by a fireball. The fire exploded in a shower of red and gray pixels, igniting him only moments before he was ripped to shreds by a fire imp pouncing out of the cauldron. "It would seem we have a fire imp problem," I muttered as I investigated the charred remains. I spied the fire imp as it sat proudly next to the corpse, as if gloating over its kill. Only then did I remember that other dwarfs would come to reclaim the body and remaining items, and then did I see three of them emerge onto the top of the volcano. I panicked and issued an army rally point to the location, but before I even had the chance to forbid the corpse, the fire imp sprang upon the new arrivals and breathed a gout of flame all over them. Miraculously, no bodies caught fire, but it did send them scampering off in all directions. The unluckiest of the three was Bembul Cattenkod, a legendary mason. He was the closest when the fire imp reared up and threw a fireball his way, pegging him clean in the back. The ball exploded in a fiery mess, and then the smoke cleared revealing a seriously wounded masondwarf. Zefon Meburvad, then a skilled furnace operator, emerged from his apparent hiding place in the woods to grab the body of the mason and begin carrying him down the mountain to safety. Within a few frames the fire imp produced another gout of flame, sending the furnace operator scurrying away as he dropped his injured friend. The fire imp set upon the injured mason and beat him savagely, removing an eye and his throat, and also managling his arms, left leg, and entire nervous system. He likely would have died from another hit, but just then Litast Coglathon, a proficient cook who I assume had been trying to escape down the hill, whisked the mangled mason from the clutches of the fire imp and began sprinting with him down the mountain. The fire imp pursued, lashing out near-miss fireballs the whole way. Just when it seemed that the imp was about to catch up with the cook toting his injured friend, the furnace operator appeared again and cut between the imp and the cook. The imp began following the faster furnace operator and not the cook; it was like they had this whole rescue planned out. The imp soon tired of pursuing the furnace operator and turned back to the cook. The imp followed a short way more before justice arrived in the form of Litast Nilesstukos, legendary champion and beater of foes. The imp got a spear in the face and a brief ride through the air before landing in a heap of gore. Needless to say, the mason later died of his wounds, but his rescuers were well commended. A fabulous cloak was manufactured out of the skin of the deceased fire imp in their honor.


Dwarf Fortress: Fikodigril “Glazedmeats”
Player: Joel Clark

The Dragon Has Come


Dwarf Fortress: Dastotomet “Swordflukes”
Player: Joel Clark

Home Run!
So a craftsdwarf walked out in the woods, when suddenly he encountered a goblin kidnapper. I reacted the way any good DF player would; I immediately drafted the dwarf into the army and gave the order to kill. Having no weapon or any experience in wrestling, it was a tall order. The goblin, taken by a sense of threat, decided to run. However, the craftsdwarf had a better idea, and took off after him. The chase proceeded far off into the woods, where finally, atop the highest hill in the area, the craftsdwarf threw down the goblin and initiated a savage beating. The beating progressed for a long time, and it was clear that the dwarf has the upper hand. Finally, after the craftsdwarf broke every limb of the goblin’s body and it fell unconscious, I grew weary of waiting for the poor creature to die. I sent the craftsdwarf back to work and called upon the leader of my new hammersquad, which had been training for many seasons, to finish the job. The goblin regained conciousness just as the hammerdwarf crested the hill. There was a tense moment, followed by a loud crack from a steel hammer that could be heard for miles. The goblin was sent sailing off into the distance, by far the longest distance I have ever seen a body thrown, until it grounded on another hilltop a full screen length away. A monument was erected over the site.


Dwarf Fortress: Dastotomet “Swordflukes”
Player: Joel Clark

Multi-level Penetration
A bizarre event unfolded during a routine hill removal. My new legendary miner, recently replacing the previous one lost in the prison crisis, was hard at work channeling out a hill to make room for a new wall. Channeling duties are always precarious, as the dwarves have a tendency to choose the most efficient pattern for causing cave-ins. In this particular story our hero decides, in part due to my own mismanagement, to mine out the base of a small leftover pillar of earth. I considered too late the tree that was still on top of the pillar. The tree, harmless as I thought it might be, turned out to possess unbelievable damage potential. Right after the miner finished knocking out the base of the pillar, the tree came crashing down on top of him. His right leg was immediately broken, and the tree proceeded to achieve terminal velocity penetrating a hole in the earth. The tree bored straight down, first entering the barracks a level below where it splintered a bed into vapor, much to the horror of all the other dwarves in the room who were using every bed except that one. The tree continued, broke through another level destroying some furniture in a stockpile, and finally landed in the midst of the apartment complex deep in the 4th level. The tree ends up right in the middle of a sleeping dwarf’s bedroom, where it obliterated the owner’s coffer. Needless to say, the dwarves had some patchwork to do.


Dwarf Fortress: Dastotomet “Swordflukes”
Player: Joel Clark

Minimum Security Prison Crisis
Tragedy has stuck today. Once again nobles’ mandates have been the bane of dwarves’ existence. By now you would have thought I realize the importance of checking the nobles screen before trading. If I had I would have noticed my countess had an export ban on copper items, large gems, and gloves very much before I traded all such goods in mass quantity, especially those huge piles of narrow goblin gloves. Needless to say, a huge throng of important dwarves went to prison. The focus of the story is the legendary miner who apparently violated the production order on five separate counts; ultimately this awarded him a savage hammering and nearly 200 days in prison. Now, never having had a prison sentence of extreme duration, I was unaware that excessively long term confinement can generate intense unhappy thoughts. Meanwhile, the other dabbling miners were busy in the mines smashing apart precious opals instead of carefully extracting them. All the other incarcerated dwarves finished their time and escape the 4x5, roughly carved, unadorned room with 14 overlapping room zones. The legendary miner remained through the passing of several more seasons and one goblin invasion. Finally, the legendary miner, the old pal who led the construction of the massive artificial river and underground reservoir, “goes insane while chasing a bug on the floor.” Others are safe from the madness since he is chained to the wall, but I prepare a forced entry team to secure the area. My two-man veteran marksman unit is on the job, each armed with full iron plate. Of course, one wanders off to go get trashed at the tavern while the leader, a master marksman that has been with the fortress since the very first migration, breaks in the prison door. Immediately the marksman looses a crossbow bolt on the berserk miner, which lodges in his shoulder. Apparently the marksman fancies himself to be one hell of deadeye shot, because he brought with him only the one bolt. The marksman charges into close combat, apparently also believing himself to be stronger that the ultra-mighty legendary miner. A chaotic rabble ensues, and the mudstone room becomes instantly spattered with crimson red and what appear to be… dwarf chunks? A quick wound check reveals that the babbling miner has eviscerated the marksman’s legs and partially ripped out… (pause to vomit) his spine!? The marksman crawls out of the cell trailing a stream of blood in his wake. He makes it just beyond the door when he suddenly dies of shock in the middle of the well-traveled corridor, giving unhappy thoughts of “witnessed death recently” to a quarter of the fortress population. The marksman’s super dependable partner shows up just in time to make his friend look posthumously bad, and lets fly a bolt which enters the miner’s brain, ending him. In the end, my best miner and marksman were both lost in the saddest display of dwarven incredulousness yet seen. Fortunately, lessons were learned, and the construction of a maximum security “happy prison” commenced. Perhaps I should have toned down the luxury, dwarves are lining up around the corner to violate enough production orders to get a free 100-night stay at the Ritz Prisonton.


Dwarf Fortress: Dastotomet “Swordflukes”
Player: Joel Clark

Tragic End to the Canal
The dwarves worked vigorously for years on an impressive underground canal system unmatched by anything save Roosevelt’s TVA. The final step in its construction was the channeling out of the thin strip of rock that separated the canal from the river. By itself it was a precarious task, as it required building stairs 2 z-levels down a cliff face. The river happens to be embedded in sheer walled canyon. But that’s not all; the river is swarming with sadistic carp. Fears aside, this canal needed completion, so the first miner goes down the stairs and begins channeling. The first channel is dug out, and the river back floods into the canal, sucking the water, and incidentally the carp, toward it. Instantly the river flares up frothing white as the carp surround the miner on all sides and go absolutely mad. Chunks fly everywhere and the miner disappears in the bedlam. The site is now more dangerous than a room full of berserk goblin hammer lords as the carp are sucked up against the grate of the canal entry in worrying numbers. However, the show must go on, and three more miners are sent in, each meeting the same fate. It is then that I notice that that most recently fallen miner has a child, and that child became apparently curious of the whereabouts of her mother. Before I can do anything, the child is already at the channel entry, investigating the puddles of blood and floating bodies stuck to the grate. The carp have at her, and instead of running, she sits down and cries. I watch in horror as the child defiantly manages to avoid be pulled into the river, and is slowly nibbled and bitten to agonizing death by the insidious carp. The child dies in place after having every limb removed one by one. I threw up in my mouth a little bit, and sent in my legendary super-agile miner to finish the job. He dug that channel so fast the carp didn’t even notice his presence. A hatch cover was placed over entrance to the stairwell and forbidden, forever. The child’s bones can still be seen in a pile on the banks of the mighty channel—now named in her honor.


Dwarf Fortress: Dastotomet “Swordflukes”
Player: Joel Clark

The Early Years, Murder Problems
Back in the beginnings of Dastotomet, it was clear that life was going to be somewhat peculiar. The first notable mania was the self-sustaining monkey meat packing industry. Nearly every season the fortresses would get attacked by packs of rhesus macaques that had come to steal food. After the first attack, the fortress drafted up a contingent of marksmen to would train round the clock and be ready to shoot monkeys at a moment’s notice. Iron greaves and boots were forged for all the soldiers to protect their legs from the biting little bastards. The result of the match up was a bizarre symbiotic relationship between macaques and dwarves. The macaques would attack the fortress and steal food, food that was processed from the bodies of the previously annihilated macaque generation. The macaques would then be ambushed by the marksmen who shot them with bolts manufactured from the bones of said previous macaques. The skewered bodies would then be collected and processed into food and bolts, ready for the next season. So, quite literally, sons were being shot with the bones of their fathers.

At one particularly gruesome time, a party was held at the newly christened statue garden near the entrance to the fort. The party, as I can only imagine, must have escalated out of control, because a few days into it the garden became littered with groundhog corpses. I think we can all appreciate this kind of wanton violence, so I allowed it to continue. That was the first recorded instance of what became a Dastotomet tradition, the so-called groundhog murdering party.